Neither Here Nor There: Musings from the Other Side (of the Razor Wire Fence)

Blog #2

Welp, let’s discuss what’s on TV these days, since that’s all I do anymore. On Keeping Up with the Kardashian’s, Kim is learning about homelessness in California at the same time she’s talking about Botoxing her belly button to make it more vertical. Maybe she’ll pay for the homeless people to get Botox. What she’s doing seems about as helpful to them — hosting “money management” seminars. What’s to manage when you have none, you idiot?

On The Culpo Sisters, one sister is crying about the other one stealing her designer bikini. If that were my only problem!

This bitch.

Maybe she should go Botox something. In other reality television news, Todd and Julie Chrisley are sentenced to years in federal prison for tax fraud and evasion. I guess Chrisley doesn’t know best anymore! Maybe they should have taken a Kardashian money management course. Well, they’ll be homeless soon enough, so it’ll all work out in the end.

Speaking of being poor, “shrinkflation” is real, which is companies shrinking and watering down their products in sneaky ways in order to deal with inflation. They’re watering down everything from laundry detergent to better. Other complanies are encouraging us to use their food products in new, inventive, and disgusting ways. For instance, Daisy sour cream on fruit, and Hellman’s thinks we should add mayonnaise to our holiday eggnog.

Yeah, that’s right.

Next — mayo-flavored Pepsi.

Reel it in, Hellman’s. Nobody’s going to do that.

Speaking of food news, a Florida woman is suing Kraft because their microwaveable shells and cheese is not ready in 3.5 minutes, like the package says. She wants $5 million so she can fill up her entire house with shells and cheese, while she complains about the time discrepancy.

Seems legit.

In plain old news news, Ye, formerly known as Kanye West, asked Trump to be his presidential running mate for 2024.

Their platform?

Overpriced sneakers and hating Jews, with a side of overthrowing the government and using the Constitution as toilet paper.

In health news, there are now vaginal masks, like face masks, that provide your vagina with nutrients.

My question is…why?

Are you growing something in there?

Is your vagina going to pose nude?

Or rob a bank?

Hm.

In more health news, high blood pressure has been found to cause neurotic behavior (maybe that’s what’s wrong with my sister), e-cigarettes have been linked to tooth decay (I don’t care), and monkeypox is being renamed because is doesn’t actually come from monkeys. On the contrary, most commonly it comes from being a human with a penis who has unprotected sex with other humans with penises.

Who knew?

Maybe there should be a penis nutrient mask that vaccinates you for monkeypox.

In around the world news, Iran is arresting children (sounds like the US!), Cuba hopes to boost shark tourism, which is people swimming with sharks without a cage, and an Australian man was arrested for parking his airplane outside the bar he was patronizing.

And for the Grand Finale — Jennifer Grey is slated to star in a sequel to Dirty Dancing — hope she doesn’t break a hip!

But that’s neither here nor there. The funniest story I’ve heard so far from an inmate here is courtesy of a hilarious woman named Pam, who was telling me of her adventures upon arriving here at the illustrious Muncy State Prison. So, Pam was getting booked in, and she happens to be a teensy bit hard of hearing, so she’s buck naked and the officer tells her to “squat and cough.” Well, what Pam heard was “squat and TALK,” so she turns around, squats, and says cheerfully, “Hi! How are you?” If this weren’t funny enough this was repeated no less than three times before poor Pam figured out that she was supposed to be coughing instead of making naked conversation.

I almost fell off my chair, I laughed so hard when she reenacted this for us at Common Room. And that’s all I have to say about that. Do you think they sell vagina masks on Commissary?

Lemme find out…